A subtle trap that kind people get caught in, is one of voicing why they’ve decided to help another person out. You may have tried your hand at helping someone in the past, only for them to reject your help with overwhelming humility.
The reasons they voice, all seem to hint on them not deserving to be a recipient of your acts of kindness, and not wanting to be a bother to your day. They perceive you to be going out of your way to help them, and in an effort to not burden you with unneeded stresses, they go on to reject the kindness you try so hard to dish out. This article is about those who attempt to refuse your help not because they genuinely don’t want it, but because their humility makes it difficult for them to accept it.
The kind helper gets themselves into a predicament in cases such as this. The person they’re trying hard to help has made it even harder. Now, the trap’s been set. The helper has to either accept an unconvincing rejection, or begin a campaign to convince.
If they give up on their efforts a bit too quickly, there’s a risk they’d fall for the bluff. What if the person they’re trying to help has simply made a habit to be humble in the face of kindness from others? What if their attempts to save you stress and time are mere verbal formalities they’re used to giving, prior to going on to accept the help and kindness in question?
If you choose to not risk falling for the bluff, you’ll find yourself needing to convince those you’re trying to help, to accept that help. This stage of the process is what this article is precisely about. The social trap that many fall into, is to begin voicing logical reasons for why they think the individual in question requires their help. They’ll voice the truths behind their desire to help, and will frame that desire within an argumentative tone, rather than a giving one. Below, are reasons for why this is not a good approach to take.
A Dampening of Feeling
Committing an act of kindness for someone, even if backed by valid reason, is an exercise of giving birth to feeling. Though you’d pragmatically help someone out, the most valuable thing you, as the giver, get from giving, is a pleasant feeling being birthed inside the minds of people who you help out. In short, we get something back when we act kindly toward others, that something is a certain feeling. That feeling is warm, and it’s altruistic. It’s human, and difficult to describe with fact. It’s camaraderie between two beings travelling down life’s lonely road, with empathy being at the wheel.
When someone refuses our help, we far too often sacrifice that certain feeling for the sake of argument and fact. We tell them, “I saw you struggling with that bag,” or “I know you’re running low on dog food, so I’ve brought you some here.” By stating the reasons for why we’re doing someone a favor, we numb the gesture down to an analysis of someone’s needs. By bringing up their sensitive areas, you inadvertently paint yourself as a provider of some sort. You not only say that you don’t share their hardships, but you tell them you’re fine enough to have time to judge others’ hardships too. By voicing the reasons for why you decided to help someone out, you communicate that their victim-hood is obvious to those around them.
You may introduce the person who you seek to help to an image of themselves they’d rather not observe. A transaction will be birthed from your desire to simply act with kindness; a transaction which would include a trade of victim-hood for kindness. Though you may serve to talk a person into accepting the help you offer, you’d do so by putting them down a notch, rather than offering a genuine helping hand up.
Be General With Your Reasoning
When humble receivers of your kindness refuse it due to a desire to not bother you, don’t resort to stating all the reasons for why they need the help. Simply insist on continuing onward and helping that individual. When they say they don’t want to bother you, tell them that they’re not. When they express regret for pulling you away from more important tasks, tell them that you have nowhere else to be and nothing else to do. If they ask you why, tell them because you want to.
Be general with your reasoning when helping someone out in life. There’s no logistic need to voicing the analysis which you’ve completed prior to deciding to help another person out. When you’ve made the choice, do your best to execute the action in a manner which uplifts the individual in question, rather than unveiling all the reasons for why they need your help.
As if catching a pleasant smell in a jar closed shut, you’d serve to preserve the mutual feelings of warmth and kindness between yourself and the individual whom you’re helping. You wouldn’t unveil the harsh truths behind your reasons to decide to help, and you’d walk away knowing that you didn’t have to tell a starving child how frail they look.